I Had to Rage
I never felt angry. Never.
Anger is a useful energy for protection. It raises our energy to create physical and emotional strength to fight what needs to be fought. It’s a tool for justice.
Even when I needed this kind of energy to protect myself, I couldn’t get angry. I mean, in a vague abstract mental way I could say I was angry about something, but I didn’t embody the energy of anger to actually DO anything, to make changes, to protect myself.
For me, I suspect that a combination of how my parents raised me to never have a tantrum (that’s good parenting afterall, right?) and my gender (women typically are not respected for having anger) led to this block against anger. For others, it’s because anger led to abuse (triggering someone else’s poorly managed anger), loss of resources (something being taken away, like losing a job), or emotional abandonment by others (because anger scares people).
For whatever reason, I never felt anger.
Until I popped that cork.
In my journey of personal healing and growth, I reached a layer where the anger was hiding. And oooo boy, did it release. I started having what I call rage attacks, which are like a panic attack but caused by very intense anger rather than fear/anxiety. My whole body would burn, I’d shake, scream, hyperventilate, throw things. Yup, that was me. Over the littlest things too, usually over not feeling understood by my partner. The whole repressive patriarchy was embodied in every argument.
An entire lifetime of repressed anger coming out at the slightest provocation.
I allowed it. I knew what was going on: I was releasing anger energy that I’d been holding deep inside. Only by letting the pressure release could I come to a mature relationship with my anger, where I can allow it’s natural flow and then harness the energy and channel it into effective action for justice, protection, and change.
I didn’t know how long the process would take. But I was there for it. I am so grateful that my partner was there for it too. He’d had his rage explosions at a much younger age so he knew there was nothing to judge or fix.
He got me a grocery bag full of dishes from the thrift store, to smash as needed (so I’d stop breaking our lamps 😬).
Now, I get angry sometimes. I even feel rage sometimes, although I haven’t had it totally boil over into smashing and screaming in a long time. I am learning how to fully feel the emotion in my body first, and waiting for the moment when I can return to my mind to decide, “Ok, what do I want to DO with this fire I have?”
Anger is a gift. It’s fuel for doing what we need to do, but only when we have a mature partnership with it.
For many of my clients, unexpressed rage is blocking them from the next layer of healing. They are ready to access deeper authenticity, deeper connection & vulnerability, or use their own power to take action, but it’s blocked by a layer of anger, rage, frustration, and grief. We can’t bypass those difficult feelings to get to the richness they protect. We bounce back to other patterns – sadness, going through the motions, being who we are “supposed” to be, self-shaming – to protect ourselves from the immense load of repressed anger. We don’t trust the full fire hose of pressure we sense hiding there, so we keep the walls in place. It’s safer to cry than rage.
If you’ve come this far in the post, you’re probably identifying with this and wondering, yeah but what can I DO about it?
Each person’s process will unfold in their own time. However, I want to encourage you that if this is resonating with you, your protective anger is ready to find a healthy release. Simply by knowing that, you start to create space for the shift. One tactic is to speak to your anger as if it is a part of you, saying that you acknowledge her, that you understand why she’s been repressed, that you are ready for her to start emerging, and you TRUST her to find times and ways to come out that aren’t detrimental to your whole life. You commit to allowing anger to start to move, and finding times and places where it’s safe to express, even to rage. You honor that anger has a role to play in your life, even if you don’t know what it is yet or how to do it. You can even say, “I’m afraid of you, I’m afraid to let you out, but I’m willing.”
The beautiful magic is, when you commit to yourself with honesty and willingness, you don’t have to know how it will all unfold, but the unfolding has already begun.
PS – This article discusses the link between anger and depression. It’s the first time I’ve seen a description of my rage attacks as a real thing that other people experience. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/anger/why-am-i-so-angry-depression-and-its-link-to-anger/
