Not Accepting Compliments Is a Much Bigger Problem
It’s very common to struggle to accept compliments. It’s embarrassing and awkward. We either don’t believe what they’ve said, or we desperately want to believe it but don’t know if it’s allowed to acknowledge good things about ourselves. Compliments might make our eyes leaky, which feels like our bodies are betraying us. Before we can get choked up, we quickly roll our eyes or wave it off or squeak out some self-deprecating humor. Or maybe we immediately turn the compliment around on them bigger and better.
Remember the last time someone said something nice about you to your face. What did you say in response? What facial expressions did you make? What did your body language say?
The problem about being guarded against compliments is that it creates a barrier between us and others. We genuinely yearn for connection, but when it shows up, we panic. It feels way too vulnerable to be touched by another person’s kind regard. We want to avoid that discomfort, so we unconsciously immediately turn to various techniques to fend off the compliment… in turn fending off the genuine loving connection that person was offering us.
You might think the solution is to love yourself more. “If I believed in myself, it wouldn’t be so hard to hear nice things. If I had more self-esteem, I might actually like to be complimented.”
The truth is, you don’t have to change how you think about yourself in order to start accepting compliments in a whole new way… and generating meaningful, authentic connection with those people who actually see the wonderful things about you.
The solution is to actually FEEL TOUCHED. When a compliment comes your way, catch yourself in the moment right before you dive into your usual guarded responses. What is the feeling you are trying to avoid? It might be uncomfortable (especially at first), but when you start allowing that gooshy tender warmth to take up space in your body, that lets the compliment actually land.
Drop the walls and let the tender feeling come through. What’s the worst that could happen? Your eyes might leak. You might not know what to say. You might not know what to do with your face. And that’s okay. Let the other person see that.
This moment that you’ve been avoiding is actually one of the most powerful ways two people can become more connected, feel safer together, and become meaningful to each other. When you allow yourself to be touched, you actually give a gift to the complimenter.
You can build up your readiness for those moments by practicing. Remember a few recent times someone tried to compliment you. Even though it happened in the past, imagine yourself back in that moment. Rewrite history. Feel touched now. Let it flow.
Usually the first few times we are touched are the most emotional, because there is a whole dam of emotion we’ve been blocking for a lifetime. Wrapped in with the compliment is a lifetime of longing to be seen and appreciated. We have to experience the release of that dam the first few times. It gets easier.
It's also super handy to have phrases at the ready. Knowing what to say can help prevent the awkwardness that contributes to the panic.
“I receive that.” “I’m letting that sink in.” “That means a lot.” “I’m really touched.” Or always a simple “Thank you.” Go ahead and pre-select a couple phrases that feel natural to you and keep them handy. Next time you start to guard, pick one of those phrases instead to cue yourself into being genuinely touched.
When you learn how to be comfortable with being complimented, you are doing a lot more than creating fewer awkward moments. You are expanding your capacity to be seen, to be vulnerable, to be authentic, and to generate real connection with other people.
