Shame

PART I

No one who shames you into being a “better person” is actually on your side. You cannot shame anyone into power.

I occasionally receive spam from people shaming me for having a public voice as a woman leader. Frequently these claim to have my “best interests at heart” or be giving “advice.” Sometimes it’s veiled as kind words, sometimes it’s overtly cruel. It comes from men and women both.

So far, I have an audience of a couple hundred at most. Yet I hear from women at all levels of visibility that they also receive this kind of shame-hate-“advice” telling us we’re not good enough to have a voice. We know that women in top positions (senate, presidential contenders) certainly get this type of messaging.

This isn’t just a women’s thing. We have all been at the receiving end of shame that was “well intentioned.” If your parents or other adults shamed you as a child to “teach” you, they were ignorant. They probably learned it from other adults in their childhoods. Although it didn’t feel good to receive, we nevertheless adopted the idea that it was necessary, that feeling badly about ourselves (ie, shame) was required in order to grow and improve. This is bullshit. Let it go, and adopt a new way.

Don’t shame others; don’t shame yourself.

PART II

Shame can be really small. It can be the subtle reason behind the reason that you do something. It can be the little voice that tells you to do it different, be something else, achieve another thing. It can be a single thread in the tapestry of your day, and still be shame.

One thing I notice is how often people are attached to their shame. They feel it is necessary. The response might sound like, “If I don’t put pressure on myself, how will I accomplish anything?” or “My sense that I’ve never accomplished enough is what drives me to achieve.”

When you tap into what makes you tick, what lights you up, what matches your natural inclinations to the needs of the world, you do not need shame to push you onward.

PART III

Saying “I’ll be good enough when - - - -“ is the same as saying “I’m not good enough.”

I achieved - - - - and immediately looked for the next peak to strive for. “I’ll be good enough when - - - -“ was always a moving target. I got real confused when there were no more peaks in my sights, no further goals, but I still didn’t feel good enough. It was then that I had to learn self love.

Two things to learn from that lonely peak: Self love on the one hand, and true purpose on the other. True purpose isn’t something to achieve for the sake of building my identity, it’s the work my identity is intrinsically here to do.